At June's Action Fiction!, Omnibucket presented its first experiment in performed screenplays - assigning actors to perform Bobby Bell's script "Scenes from A Stranger in Barcelona."
We think it went quite well. Here's the text. Read all Action Fiction! stories here.
INT. IRISH PUB - NIGHT
Lee sits at the bar drinking a scotch and watching a soccer game on TV, Wolverhampton 2 to 1 over Liverpool. He takes a cigarette out of a pack and looks at it. Written on the cigarette in black block letters is: THIS MAY BE THE ONE THAT KILLS YOU. Lee puts it in his mouth and lights it.
Peter and John John sit down next to him and look at the TV.
JOHN JOHN
How the fuck did that happen?
LEE
(mild Southern accent)
Apparently some guy kicked the ball into the net again. The other guy failed to stop him.
JOHN JOHN
What fucking planet are you from, mate?
LEE
Planet transatlantic.
The bartender steps over.
JOHN JOHN
Two Boddingtons.
PETER
Yanks don’t care about football. The players aren’t fat enough.
Lee smiles.
PETER
I’m Peter, this is my brother, John John.
LEE
Lee.
Peter and Lee shake hands. The bartender sets two beers in front of Peter and John John.
PETER
What brings you to Barcelona, Lee? Business or whorehopping?
LEE
Existential wandering. And business.
PETER
Us, too.
INT. BAR MARSELLA - NIGHT
Lee, Peter and John John sit around a table.
PETER
How much did you pay for your cigarettes?
LEE
Two euros.
JOHN JOHN
You could help us. We can sell those for seven in the UK. Make a lot of money.
LEE
Cool.
PETER
It’s not cool, it’s fucking stupendous.
LEE
Fucking stupendous, then.
PETER
We buy multiple cartons of cigarettes in Spain and sell them in Liverpool, avoiding the
taxes and tariffs.
LEE
And my role?
PETER
Fly in with suitcases full of Camels and Marlboros. No worries, the customs bobbies will never look in your bag - too busy looking for terrorists. Later, save up some cash and ship containers in - you, just loading and signing for it when it’s delivered. We can move them quickly in Liverpool.
LEE
So you’ve got some people there?
JOHN JOHN
We don’t just have some people there, we run that bloody town.
LEE
What if I get caught?
PETER
So what if you get caught? It’s not like you’re smuggling smack. You could just claim that you forgot to check the box on the form. You’d probably just have to pay a small fine.
JOHN JOHN
Driving down the street is more dangerous.
LEE
Then why don’t you guys do it yourselves? Why cut me in on it? You could keep all that profit.
PETER
We want to expand, Lee. We’re building an illicit empire. I’m going to be the Julius Caesar of tax free cigarettes.
JOHN JOHN
I’ll be the Brutus.
PETER
Brutus? Got something planned against me?
LEE
Crushing all who oppose you. Wow.
PETER
Seriously, Lee, you don’t know how powerful our organization is. We spotted you the moment you got off of that plane in Madrid. We
decided to recruit you then. Our organization is global.
JOHN JOHN
You could be our man in America. There’s millions to be made.
LEE
So you guys are big time gangsters, huh?
PETER
Fuckin’ A right we are, and you’re the kind of guy we like to work with.
LEE
So if you guys are such big time gangsters, why did I just watch you spend ten minutes arguing
with the doorman over five euros?
A frozen moment, crestfallen, humorless.
JOHN JOHN
I’ll go buy a hundred euro bottle of champagne right now if that would prove it to you, Lee.
LEE
I have a better idea: I let you keep your route, I set you up with a gullible young backpacker or two who will think this is a sweet deal. I’ve always enjoyed hanging out in hostels anyways. You two can kick me back a reasonable ten percent of your profit. In exchange you start running blow into England for me along with the cigarettes.
Peter and John John are shocked and hostile.
PETER
Why the fuck would we do that?
JOHN JOHN
You’d better be joking, Lee.
LEE
No joke. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you my organization was watching you at the airport. I work for an organization, but you two are small fry and no organization would waste resources surveilling you. But now that I’ve gotten to know you a bit better I see that you might be useful, and once you get over your indignation, it might even be pleasant.
JOHN JOHN
Bullocks.
PETER
Yeah, big hairy bullocks.
Lee slides his pistol under a napkin on the table.
LEE
No shit. You guys are working for me from now on. I’ll let you get used to the idea. Make sure I find you here tomorrow night.
Lee smiles, puts the pistol back into the holster, stands and walks towards the front door. Peter and John John stare at him as he leaves, then turn towards each other.
